Absolute Cooperation

How to Embrace Paradox

At preschool pickup my daughter shared she had cried after drop off that morning. I asked what she had been feeling. She insightfully named that she had been feeling three things at once: sadness because she was missing her daddy, comfort because she had her favorite stuffed animal and a teacher embracing her, and excitement because her best friend had arrived to play with her at school for the day.

Yoga and meditation teach us how to hold paradox, how to hold the reality that more than one thing can be simultaneously true, such as how we can be sad and happy in exactly the same moment.

Yet, we find ourselves caught in a binary that feeds and fuels suffering, an inner voice that says, “this is right” and “that is wrong,” “this is good” and “that is bad,” there is only “this outcome” or “that outcome,” while completely discounting the limitless possibilities that exist in between these polarities.

This is the mind of duality.

Practice teaches you to notice when the mind of duality is at play and sheds light on the ways these binaries causes suffering through endless labels and categories, likes and dislikes, wants and aversions - all of which are elements of the mind of duality. The hindrances (wanting, not wanting, restlessness, laziness, and doubt) are natural to the human mind, but the more you learn to acknowledge when they are arising, the more space you can put between yourself and the stories and dramas that lead to suffering.

There will always be experiences you like and experiences you dislike. It’s part of our human journey. We will all experience minor inconveniences, such as long lines at the grocery store, as well as major life upsets, such as a scary health diagnosis or loss of a loved one. And no matter what, we are asked to be in absolute cooperation with reality.

When my father was dying of pancreatic cancer, I didn’t “want” that to be happening, but I accepted the reality and did what I could to support him one day at a time. Being in absolute cooperation with life exactly as it was, and the reality of his impending death, brought me straight into the present moment.

One day as he was nearing the end of his life he needed help rising from the living room couch. I slipped my arm under his shoulder and we began to walk. Midway through the living room he stopped. I became worried something was wrong and that he was too weak to keep going. Then, he turned to face me, wrapped my other arm around his shoulders and began to sway, lulling us into a father-daughter slow dance. It took everything in me not to stop the moment because of my own grief, fear, and sadness. Rather than turning away from the experience, I turned toward it. I paused. I took a deep breath. I felt his fragile, thin, boney body against mine. I closed my eyes and took in his scent. I allowed myself to feel everything. It was one of the most painful, and one of the most beautiful moments of my life, but it required me to live my practice fully to ensure I didn’t miss it.

Absolute Cooperation is Not Spiritual Bypass

Being in absolute cooperation with reality doesn’t mean you deny the pain, discomfort, or even the torment of the moment you are facing. Absolute cooperation doesn’t mean putting on rose colored glasses and pretending everything is fine when clearly it isn’t. That would be spiritual bypass.

Spiritual bypass is a term from John Welwood and occurs when spirituality or spiritual practices are used to avoid feeling emotions. It’s a form of avoidance or repression that actually denies life rather than embracing it fully. John says,

“when we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it.”

Unfortunately, it’s not just a misinterpretation of our spiritual practice that can lead to spiritual bypass, but our brains are almost wired for it. Psychologists have found people will ignore or deny a problem if they don’t like the solution. By learning how your mind works and becoming more adept at noticing your mental tendencies, which is supported by the “Living Your Practice” prompts at the end of every post, you’ll be empowered to turn toward reality more quickly with an understanding that the only way out is through.

To hold the paradox of life is to say, “yes…and.” Yes, this hard thing is happening, AND I can appreciate the love and support I have.

Another way of approaching this might be to say, “this too belongs,” a phrase I’ve heard teacher Tara Brach offer continuously throughout the years. “This too belongs” is a way of accepting all that arises as part of our journey, part of what we are here to learn from and put toward our highest growth and transformation. “This too belongs” means that we push nothing away and hold each experience as holding some value or meaning for our greatest purpose in this lifetime.

At times when I am really struggling to accept a moment as it is, I will shift the phrase to, “this is how it is,” which helps me to remain present.

The modern teacher best known for encouraging us to embrace reality as it is, is Eckhart Tolle. He writes,

“life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.”

Before we go further it’s essential to say, bad things don’t happen so you can learn. Bad things just happen. It’s part of the inevitability of being human. It’s harmful to impose the idea that bad things happen for a reason. As someone who has sat with too many students who have lost children, perpetuating the belief that “bad things happen for a reason” can be incredibly damaging. Instead, can we learn to accept that bad things happen. Period. And once they do, and we’ve had time to experience our emotions and grieve, we are then in the position of asking, “now, what can I learn or what meaning can I draw from this?”

I absolutely love the reflection from Dr. Gabor Mate who writes,

“everything within us, no matter how distressing, exists for a purpose….The question then shifts from ‘how do I get rid of this?’ to ‘what is this for? Why is this here?’”

Moving Beyond Duality

Being trapped in the mind of duality can have consequences for us personally as well as collectively. In her book Luminous Darkness, Deborah Eden Tull writes,

“the extent to which we suffer as human beings exists in direct correlation to our investment in the mind of limitation and binary perception.”

Anytime you’re perceiving your options as limited and narrow and have lost sight of innovative solutions, you’re experiencing the mind of duality. Other experiences of the mind of duality might look like being caught in a limited perspective, labeling and judging, or struggling for perfectionism.

Moving beyond binary perceptions involves a wider perspective, a willingness to adopt “don’t know” mind. In these moments you’ll benefit from embracing greater ambiguity and practicing living mindfully.

George Bernard Shaw wrote,

“those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

If you find you’re caught in the mind of duality, believing there might only be two possible outcomes to a situation, researcher Adam Grant encourages searching for reasons why you might be wrong. This type of thinking can open you to new possibilities. Walt Whitman said it takes a multitude of views to help people realize that they too contain multitudes.

Never forget - you contain multitudes. And so does everyone else. This moment you’re in, belongs. And the next moment is utterly unknown. Stay open to the possibilities. Live beyond the binary. And step into your power to live. Next week we’ll explore the practice of reciprocity.

Living Your Practice

1. In what areas of your life, or in what experiences, do you resist or deny reality? What are the consequences?

2. Where in your life are you being asked to say, “yes…and” or “this too belongs?”

3. What problem are you currently facing in which you believe there are only 2 possible outcomes? Try applying Adam Grant’s suggestion and search for at least 3 to 5 reasons why you might be wrong.

Thank your for being here. Thank you for living your practice. We do this work together. If you’d like to practice, join me at Inner Dimension Yoga where you can download a free Power to Live PDF journal and also experience the IDM community for free for the first 10 days.